On snot rockets and their snares

YOU know the feeling. You tripped, bonked your head, said a word that wasn't a word, split your pants, or any other potentially embarrasing thing. A brief moment of panic sets in, your brain automatically goes into "damage control" mode. "Who saw it?" "How much did they see?" "Did they recognise what actually happened?" "Should I laugh it off or pretend it didn't happen?" Depending on who you are around, of course, dramatically changes the situation. Some friends can be particularly unforgiving.

Whether or not you think it's disgusting, it's a fact that the snot rocket, when properly executed, is both more efficient and more sanitary than the prolific loogie. The practitioner makes a clean transferal of nasal mucous from nose to ground without alarming noises or undue taxation on the sinuses. This feat is accomplished following three simple steps.

1) Assess the viscosity: This is a very important step and one that is often overlooked by the novice. Snot rockets are governed by the mechanics of fluid dynamics, and viscosity plays a huge role in how a mucous corpuscle exits the nasal chamber. Trajectory and the force put behind the globular mass are dependent on correct assesment of the viscosity. Nasal mucous can run from the wintery red-nosed variety (very low viscosity) to the sludgey sickly flu variety (highly viscous). When deciding to snot rocket, this step will often make or break your success.

2) Secure the exit path: This step is very simple. Plug the nostril which is not going to be used. Your don't want both barrels of your snot loaded shotgun going off at once, this results in a nasty mess.

3) Aim, Fire: Take a deep breath, tilt back your head, make sure of your trajectory, and blow that sucker outta there.

At the beginning, expect to make mistakes. Try practicing when you are alone and away from prying eyes. It takes a little time to get down, but once you master it, the rewards are worth every snot encrusted upper lip it took to get there.

I have been performing the snot rocket manuver for many years now. I am what some refer to as a seasoned professional. I can, with a little concentration, exit even the most difficult mucous globs with little to no residual face wiping necessary. I was thrown for a loop recently however, not taking into account my new facial hair style. My new (and particularly visable) protruding mustache gets in the way of my customary exit trajectory and the result is an unflattering mucoustache. I usually perform this manuver so quickly that the casual observer will think that I am simply spitting on the ground and not think anything of it. In this instance however, I had what is known as a dangler. The dreaded dangler, much like a possum, grabs a hold of a support with the bulk of its undesirable mass swinging freely below. It took me a moment to realize what had happened. That moment was long enough for my mistake to be spotted and recognized. As a bachelor with bachelor friends, my humor often tends toward the gross and sometimes vulgar. But when my physical appearance causes one of my friends to be genuinely disgusted, it is a blow to my ego. I was rightly embarrassed and I'm sure that in the future, I will be able to avoid such mistakes. I am still a strong advocate of the snot rocket, but know that it is not a skill without peril. Take heed of my warnings and use the snot rocket, but use it with caution.